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Author Topic: joke  (Read 970 times)

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boom boom

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joke
« on: April 29, 2015, 09:22:30 PM »
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

Offline T.H.O.R.

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Re: joke
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2015, 11:15:39 PM »
Nice, very good. 
On the wrong side of Heaven and the righteous side of Hell!

Offline censored

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Re: joke
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2015, 11:43:47 PM »
Unfortunately it isn't very realistic. Here:

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG*

*On the radio*

"Shots fired. I pulled this guy over for speeding. He tried to grab my gun, so I shot him. Call an ambulance."
Butthurt losers completely owned by me:

Matt H
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Offline WGW

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Re: joke
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2015, 12:39:20 AM »
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.  Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father." "The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.'"


“And he who wields white, wild magic gold is a paradox. For he is everything and nothing. Hero and fool. Potent, helpless. And with one word of truth or treachery, He will save or damn the earth. Because he is mad and sane. Cold and passionate, Lost and found”

Offline Wargasm

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Re: joke
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2015, 10:57:12 AM »
Not as we thought.

A couple from New York, tired of the cold winter weather, decide to take a vacation to the warm sunny beaches of southern Florida.  The husband would depart on a Wednesday, to be followed the next day by his wife, who was stuck behind closing a real estate transaction.  After a flight delay and a failed appeal to management, he arrived at the hotel at 10pm Wednesday night.  He decided to send his wife a quick email to let her know that he had arrived safely and that she should pack some extra light clothes, as Florida was having some unseasonably hot weather.

Unfortunately, he made a typo in the email address field.  Instead, the email arrived at the home of a recently widowed preacher's wife, who's husband died the day before.  She took one look at the screen, gasped, and feinted dead away.  The message on the screen read:

Dearest Wife,
Departed yesterday as you know.  Some confusion at the gate, appeal was denied.  Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
- Your loving husband

P.S.  Things are not as we thought.  You're not going to believe how hot it is down here.

Offline Grace

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Re: joke
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2015, 09:29:03 AM »
fantastic jokes, fellers - keep them coming
uh ohhhh... the fat kid got a nuke button!

Offline VikingTurd

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Re: joke
« Reply #6 on: June 28, 2015, 01:04:58 AM »
Hahaha, both are good.

Offline 69CrazyEyez69

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Re: joke
« Reply #7 on: June 28, 2015, 05:25:40 AM »
The owner of a adult store had to go out of town for a meeting and asked the worker to watch the store and would be back at the end of the day.....

A few hours later a black woman walks into the store and asks the worker, "How much for that white dildo?"....

The worker replied, "This one?"...

The black woman, "Yes that one."

The worker, "75 dollars....."

The black woman replied, "GREAT I'll take it!"....

She pays for it, he gives it to her and she leaves.....

A a short time later a white woman walks into the store and asks the worker, "How much for that black dildo?"....

The worker replied, "This one??"...

The white woman, "Yes that one."

The worker, "75 dollars....."

The white woman replied, "GREAT I'll take it!"....

She pays for it, he gives it to her and she leaves.....

A few hours later a polish woman walks into the store and asks the worker, "How much for that plaid dildo?"....

The worker replied, "This one???"...

The polish woman, "Yes that one."

The worker, "75 dollars....."

The polish woman replied, "GREAT I'LL TAKE IT!"....

She pays for it, he gives it to her and she leaves.....

Now at the end of the day the Owner returns and asks the worker how the day went.

He replied, "Well I had a black woman come in and buy a white dildo for $75, then a white woman bought a black dildo for $75, and then polish woman came in and bought my thermos for $75!"

Offline Bodge

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Re: joke
« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2015, 10:36:24 AM »
A WEE joke

A man buys a budgie and when he gets it home it just keeps repeating "I'm a Scottish budgie! I'm tough as fu-ck!"

After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a kestrel and puts it in the cage. "Let's see how tough you are now!" he says.

The next morning he comes downstairs and the kestrel is dead. The budgie says, "I'm a Scottish budgie! I'm tough as fu-ck!"

So the man buys a buzzard and puts it in the cage.

The next morning the man comes downstairs and the buzzard is dead. The budgie says, "I'm a Scottish budgie! I'm tough as fu-ck!"

So the man buys a golden eagle and puts it in the cage.

The next morning the man comes downstairs, the eagle is dead and the budgie has no feathers left.

The budgie says, "I had to take me jacket off for that fu-ck-er!"
 

Offline censored

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Re: joke
« Reply #9 on: July 24, 2015, 07:32:45 PM »
Lmfao. I'm trying to picture an eagle in a budgie cage. :o
Butthurt losers completely owned by me:

Matt H
Grace
Swanvesta
Tech9
BrianC